Put the Ginger Root Down and Back Away Slowly

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Happy Figging Halloween

Once again, I stop by my blog to discover that easily 15% of my visitors are looking for information on figging. Well Happy Halloween my burning-bottomed little kinksters! Did you realize there were so many of you?

You should all start a club. Hell, maybe I'll start a club for you... If you're nice. But first, you'll have to come out of the closet, or rather, the spice cupboard, and tell me it's what you really, really want.

You can be the Fig-kateers.

Sing the song with me, will you?
G-I-N... Anyone up for a figging?
G-E-R... Are you ready for the burn?
A-S-S-E-D

(I realize many of my readers aren't from America and may not understand the reference to the Mickey Mouse Club, but please don't feel left out. You'd be amazed by how many Americans don't get my jokes either.)

Wow, how many times in life will I get to bring Mickey Mouse and figging into the same conversation, huh? It's days like these that make me adore being literate.

Well, Happy Halloween everybody. And to my pagan friends, Happy Samhain.

I'm going to go wrap myself in seaweed paper, shove a ginger finger up my derriere and tell everyone I'm dressed as sushi.

Figging revisited

I’ve recently added this nifty little feature to my blog which allows me to see where people are visiting me from both geologically (Hellooooooo Dubai!) and virtually, as in "what link did you follow to find me?" Turns out a disproportionate number of you little kinkmeisters come to me after you’ve googled the word “figging.”

Oh yeah, you know who you are.

Well, as a public service for my lovely burn-bottomed readers, I thought I’d go into it in a little more detail.


First, some safety tips.

1) Peel it. Smooth it down, take off the rough patches and knobbly bits, and round the end. Inserting the ginger should burn, not scrape.

2) Wash the damned thing! We all know you shouldn’t be eating fruits and vegetables without giving them a rinse, do you really think it’s advisable to shove one up your ass, pesticides and all? You’ll also need to clear away any peelings still clinging to the root.

3) Use a root large enough not to slip in and disappear. This really isn’t anything you want to take to the emergency room.

4) Don’t leave it in for extended periods. While the burning begins to diminish in ten to twenty minutes, depending on freshness, the root is still capable of causing irritation.

5) Cut an indentation around the root for the rectum to close around, keeping the ginger in place. Put the indentation far enough from one end to afford you a small handle or base when the ginger is in the rectum. (Like a butt-plug.)

6) While some people have used ginger in the vagina, others claim vaginal secretions are too acidic to combine safely with the juices of the ginger. You’ve been warned.

7) Wash you hands after touching the ginger. Avoid touching your face until you do so as the juice from the ginger will burn your eyes, nose, and mouth.

8) To avoid unexpected and unwanted after-effects, begin by testing it for a few seconds, increasing to a few minutes, checking for signs of prolonged irritation between inseertions.

Now for some tips and tricks:

Some enthusiasts recommend a slice of ginger berifly placed on the clitoris for added fun.

The peeled ginger requires no lubricant. Lubricant creates a barrier between the ginger and the rectum, diminishing it’s effect. The juices of the ginger may be used as a natural, though less effective lubricant. Some preliminary fingering may be required to relax the rectum prior to insertion.

Fresh ginger has a stronger effect than older ginger.

To increase the effect of older ginger, allowed it to age in a sealed bag in the refrigerator until it begins to develop a mold. Peel and use as normal.

For reviews of personal experiences with figging, check out:

http://www.agirlwitha.com/content/2004/07/ginger_fingers.php

or

http://sinerator.blogspot.com/2006/04/figging.html

Slipping in the side door as if I've been here all along

OK, it's been a while. I'm not normally prone to disappearing for months at a time, but I do tend to move on with other creative venues for a while.

I may not have been Blogging lately, but I've been keeping myself busy. You see, I've been knitting dildo cozies for friends. I can't very well type and knit at the same time now can I?

Sadly, that's not a joke. I don't have the patience for sweaters and I have all the hats, scarves, and mittens a body could ask for. It was either cozies or doilies, and doilies are just.. well, doilies.

It wasn't all small projects for me though. The cozy for Barney the Purple Dildo-saur requires a full skein of yarn and a week of knitting...

Anyway, I thought I'd welcome you all back to my Blog with this little bit of news on the sexual front:

The results of a recent study done by a sexologist in Italy show that couples with a television in their bedroom have half as much sex as couples without one. Clearly, they don't watch the same movies I do.

The study showed that some shows were more likely to impede sex than others. Violent images, for instance, were more likely to turn-off half of all couples.

Conversely, reality shows actually turned on a third of all couples... Forget figging, when The Amazing Race revs your engine, you're KINKY!

You want me to put a what? Up your where?

Me: I'm sorry, what did you just say?

Him: Figging

Me: Figging?

Him (slowly now): Yes, figging.

Me: Not frigging?

Him: No, not frigging, figging.

Me: Not fingering?

Him (sighing): Not frigging, fingering fucking, or flying. I said figging. Obviously you've never heard of it.

Me: Is it obvious?

Him: Would you like to know what it is?

Me: I dunno, I'm afraid now.

Him: It's pain free.

Me: Oh good.

Him: For you.

Me: ...oh.

Him: It's where you take a hot pepper and put it in a guy's butt.

Me: Ow!

Him: Yeah.

Me: Ow!

Him: It's not so bad. It burns some, but it feels good.

Me: Ow!

Him: You mentioned that.

Me: Ok, I suppose I can do that. Just one thing though?

Him: Yeah?

Me: Why is it called figging?

Him: I don't know. Do you need to know that in order to do it?

Me: Well, quelling my curiosity *would* help me focus...

Him: I trust you'll manage.

Me: My curiosity is burning like a hot pepper up the ass.

Him: Are we going to do this or not?

Me: Sure.

Him: Why do I hear clicking in the background? You're typing aren't you? You're looking it up!

Me: Hmmm?

Him: Ok fine, what did you find out about figging?

Me: Well, wikipedia says it's " a sexual practice involving the insertion of a prepared "finger" of ginger root or even pepper into the anus. The burning sensation is said to induce intense pleasure. The technique is used by some practitioners of BDSM."

"The practice is sometimes said to have originated in a preparation technique for show horses, where an irritating "fig" would be inserted into their anus to induce them to hold their tail high. Others claim that Victorian corporal punishment methods sometimes involved figging to further humiliate and chastise the culprit, as well as preventing the clenching of the buttocks during caning, birching or flagellation."

Him: Those wacky Victorians. So, are we ready?

Me: But if they use ginger, or hot peppers, it doesn't explain why they called it "figging."

Him: I'm hanging up now.

Me: Wait! I'm sorry. I'll be good, I promise. I'll fig you silly and I'll even wear some hot victorian lingerie while I do it, how's that?

Him: Better.

Me: You don't mind if I call you Newton as I do it do you?

Him: Newton?.. (sigh) Ok, I get it, fig Newton. You know what? I've changed my mind.

Me: You want to use the ginger root?

Him: No, actually I think I'd get more satisfaction from doing it to you now. You could obviously use some discipline.

Me: Wait, I'm sorry. No more jokes, I promise.

Him: Too late. Now be still, this will only hurt alot.