Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Happy Figging Halloween

Once again, I stop by my blog to discover that easily 15% of my visitors are looking for information on figging. Well Happy Halloween my burning-bottomed little kinksters! Did you realize there were so many of you?

You should all start a club. Hell, maybe I'll start a club for you... If you're nice. But first, you'll have to come out of the closet, or rather, the spice cupboard, and tell me it's what you really, really want.

You can be the Fig-kateers.

Sing the song with me, will you?
G-I-N... Anyone up for a figging?
G-E-R... Are you ready for the burn?

(I realize many of my readers aren't from America and may not understand the reference to the Mickey Mouse Club, but please don't feel left out. You'd be amazed by how many Americans don't get my jokes either.)

Wow, how many times in life will I get to bring Mickey Mouse and figging into the same conversation, huh? It's days like these that make me adore being literate.

Well, Happy Halloween everybody. And to my pagan friends, Happy Samhain.

I'm going to go wrap myself in seaweed paper, shove a ginger finger up my derriere and tell everyone I'm dressed as sushi.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Sexy Skirt

Me: Hi, this is Lara, who's this?

Him: What kind of skirt are you wearing?

Me: Poodle.

Him: Poodle?

Me: Yes, poodle.

Him: What do you mean, poodle?

Me: I mean I'm wearing a poodle skirt. It's a skirt... with a poodle.

Him: Like one of those old fashioned things?

Me: Yes, just like one of those old fashioned things.

Him: You're not really wearing a skirt are you?

Me: How did you guess?

Him: {{{{Click}}}}

(Next time I'll tell him it's a grass skirt and see if I fare any better.)

Sunday, October 08, 2006

Figging revisited

I’ve recently added this nifty little feature to my blog which allows me to see where people are visiting me from both geologically (Hellooooooo Dubai!) and virtually, as in "what link did you follow to find me?" Turns out a disproportionate number of you little kinkmeisters come to me after you’ve googled the word “figging.”

Oh yeah, you know who you are.

Well, as a public service for my lovely burn-bottomed readers, I thought I’d go into it in a little more detail.

First, some safety tips.

1) Peel it. Smooth it down, take off the rough patches and knobbly bits, and round the end. Inserting the ginger should burn, not scrape.

2) Wash the damned thing! We all know you shouldn’t be eating fruits and vegetables without giving them a rinse, do you really think it’s advisable to shove one up your ass, pesticides and all? You’ll also need to clear away any peelings still clinging to the root.

3) Use a root large enough not to slip in and disappear. This really isn’t anything you want to take to the emergency room.

4) Don’t leave it in for extended periods. While the burning begins to diminish in ten to twenty minutes, depending on freshness, the root is still capable of causing irritation.

5) Cut an indentation around the root for the rectum to close around, keeping the ginger in place. Put the indentation far enough from one end to afford you a small handle or base when the ginger is in the rectum. (Like a butt-plug.)

6) While some people have used ginger in the vagina, others claim vaginal secretions are too acidic to combine safely with the juices of the ginger. You’ve been warned.

7) Wash you hands after touching the ginger. Avoid touching your face until you do so as the juice from the ginger will burn your eyes, nose, and mouth.

8) To avoid unexpected and unwanted after-effects, begin by testing it for a few seconds, increasing to a few minutes, checking for signs of prolonged irritation between inseertions.

Now for some tips and tricks:

Some enthusiasts recommend a slice of ginger berifly placed on the clitoris for added fun.

The peeled ginger requires no lubricant. Lubricant creates a barrier between the ginger and the rectum, diminishing it’s effect. The juices of the ginger may be used as a natural, though less effective lubricant. Some preliminary fingering may be required to relax the rectum prior to insertion.

Fresh ginger has a stronger effect than older ginger.

To increase the effect of older ginger, allowed it to age in a sealed bag in the refrigerator until it begins to develop a mold. Peel and use as normal.

For reviews of personal experiences with figging, check out:




Monday, October 02, 2006

The Supreme Court Refuses to Jugde Dildo

A man in El Paso was arrested for violating a Texas law prohibiting the sale of sex toys shaped like sexual organs.

Two undercover police officers made the arrest when adult-bookstore employee Ignacio Acosta made remarks which indicated the phallus was intended for uses which were prurient in nature as opposed to educational, medical, or artistic.

Let me repeat that slowly.

He was arrested, while selling a dildo

in an adult bookstore

to police officers who were disguised as people who have sex

when he indicated that the dildo

the one that was in the adult bookstore

was intended to be used as a sex toy

instead of medical or educational use.

If he had sold a dildo shaped like a rabbit, it would have been somehow alright.

If he has sold a dildo shaped like a penis under the guise of using it as a rectum dilator, it would have been somehow alright.

If he had sold a dildo shaped like a penis, claiming it to be a ten inch, rubber sculpture representing man’s inhumanity to man, that would have been somehow alright.

But selling a dildo, shaped like a dildo, to be used as a dildo, is against the law in Texas.

Acosta challenged his arrest and the El Paso county court agreed with him that the law violated individual sexual privacy. But apparently the district attorney felt strongly enough about dildos to appeal the decision and the ruling was overturned in appeals court..

The next step would be the US Supreme Court, but they’ve been busy with Ana Nicole Smith and refused to hear the case.

I just wonder how they'd feel about a dildo shaped like a high court justice? It would only be in violation of Texas law if they admit they're dicks.