Sunday, May 29, 2005

In The Interest of Science

Based on a scientific survey of 25 callers tonight, I have determined that approximately 88.47% of American men have penises larger than eight inches, 7.69% have penises larger than ten inches, and 3.84% have wee little winkies and want me to laugh at them.

Saturday, May 28, 2005

Phone Sex Operator Gets Settlement For Masturbation Related Injuries.

A Florida phone sex operator has won a workers' compensation settlement claiming she was injured after regularly masturbating at work, her lawyer said.

The lawyer told Reuters he was not sure whether the Fort Lauderdale woman's claim was the first of its kind, but it certainly was out of the ordinary.

He said his client agreed to a "minimal settlement" earlier this month. He declined to disclose the amount.

During the course of her claim for workers' compensation benefits, the now 40-year-old employee of Fort Lauderdale's CFP Enterprises, Inc. said she developed carpal tunnel syndrome -- also known as repetitive motion injury -- in both hands from masturbating as many as seven times a day while speaking with callers, said the attorney, who spoke about the case this week on the condition that his client's name not be revealed.

"She was told to do whatever it takes to keep the person on the phone as long as possible," he said.

The woman used one hand to answer the telephone and the other to note customer's names and fetishes and to give herself an orgasm during the verbal exchanges. The calls usually lasted about 15 minutes, although callers who asked for the woman by name were given 30 minutes of talk time, Slootsky said. In her petition for workers' compensation benefits, filed with Florida's Department of Labor and Employment Security in April, the woman claimed she received her injury from "repetitive use of the phone." She claimed weekly benefits of $267 a week -- based on an annual weekly wage of $400 -- and also asked to be reimbursed for $30,000 in medical bills after a neurosurgeon operated on her hands to relieve her pain. Slootsky said his client was too embarrassed to tell her doctor the real cause of her injury and the lack of disclosure led a mediator to advise her that she would have difficult case to prove at trial.

OK, so this isn't exactly news. The earliest version of this story I can find seems to come from back in November of 1999. But I didn't have a Blog back then did I now? And besides, I think this bears repeating. The woman won a settlement over masturbating for crying out loud! And here I've been faking it all along, like a sucker.

Friday, May 27, 2005

Fetish Friday

Sotophilia: sexual arousal by the sight of certain foods. As in, "he asked me to describe the sight of him putting his penis in the potato salad. "

Potato salad! How did it come to be potato salad? What sort of deranged picnics has he been to?

I mean, without personally finding a practice appealing, I can understand how some fetishes form. As unsanitary as it seems to me, a paraphilia for golden showers is wholly understandable. Those original sexual images from childhood can leave us with a powerful imprint. When a child first begins to notice the differences between genders, they are likely be titillated without quite being sure why. If they haven't yet been taught the basic principles of intercourse, the only use they know of for genitalia is urination. Given this, it's not surprising that the fondest wish of many little boys is simply to see a little girl pee. When a desire is set so firmly in childhood, it can easily last through to maturity. What's more, warm liquid sluicing down the body feels damned good. Put it all together, and a fetish is born.

Keeping this in mind though, and putting all judgments aside in the name of scientific query.. what twisted series of events had to come together, what freakish planets had to align, what perverted karma had to accumulate, for me to find myself discussing the merits of German versus Classic potato salad for lubrication, texture and plain old fashioned sex appeal?

Thursday, May 26, 2005

It's been twenty minutes,

It's been twenty minutes, where are all my responses?

Man, the guys never take this long on the phone.

Truism of the day

A man with his hand on his penis does NOT bring up subjects that turn him off. If he asks a yes or no question, he probably wants to hear a yes.

"Do you have big breasts?"

"Yeah, they're a nice full 36 DD"

"Do you shave?"

"Oh yes, nice and neat baby"

"Do you ever get kinky?"

"Yeah baby, I love it wild"

"Have you ever watched your father in the shower?"

"NO NO NO!!! In the name of all things decent NO!!!"