Monday, April 24, 2006

Robbie the Robot? Is that you?

OK, now, since we've already explored the fetishists who like dolls and mannequins, the whole robot fetsh was not lost on me, (if you're new to this blog, go on and read through the archives. I promise you'll be amused. And don't try to pretend you've done it if you haven't. I can look at the stats and tell you're lying. Don't give me those looks. If I have to come over there, you'll be sorry.) I must say though that I've never before spoken to a man who actually wanted to be a robot.

It was, to be frank, rather distracting. He spoke in a flat, monotone voice, kind of like the robot from the old Lost In Space episodes. (I saw them in reruns.. don't go thinking I've dated myself) At first I wasn't sure if he was just a bit.. off. But when asked him "do you like that baby? Does that feel good?" He responded with "I am programmed only to perform, I do not feel."

Oh boy.

You know, if he would allow me, I could think of a whole bunch of material for robot fantasies. Rutger Hauer in Blade Runner, Brent Spiner in Star Trek The Next Generation, (what can I say, I'm attracted to older artificial gentlemen) but with that ridiculous voice, all I could picture was the robot Asimo with a strap on.

And for all the people reading this right now saying to me "only Asimo is really a bot, the others are androids." Why don't you just leave me alone? I don't come over to your blog and point out what you're doing wrong with all those women you don't have sex with do I?

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Gilbert Gottfried's too unsexy for the Taliban

The Boston Pheonix has released a list of the unsexiest men alive and Gilbert Gottfried topped out at number one.

At first glance, it's perfectly reasonable. He's a physically repellant little person with a grating voice and a propensity toward offensive humor. (Rumor has it he's told Holocaust jokes to death camp survivors and once asked a preteen girl if she had pubic hair yet.)

Yes, Gilbert Gottfried is a troll in need of a bridge.

But then I look further down the list and see that to get the number one spot, he beat out Osama Bin Laden. Now, I don't feel any attraction for Gottfried, but it must be said, at least he doesn't look like he has fleas in his beard.

Perhaps I'm a bit predjudiced. I'm an American and a New Yorker. I'm still kind of bitter about the whole 9/11 thing and it no doubt colors my perception of Bin Ladens manly charms. Who knows, maybe his multiple wives actually dig the tall, dark, and psychotic persona and they aren't just victims of a sexist society that treats them like chattel. But I don't get the sense that The Pheonix interviewed many Afghani women anyway.

I'm surprised that American sensabilities would permit anyone to be less attractive than our public enemy number one. Even if he wasn't the orchestator of what is arguably our greatest national tragedy, he would still be skinny and scraggly, with a big nose, hollowed out eyes, and lousy fashion sense.

What's funnier than Gilbert Gottfried being less sexy the Bin Laden, is that he had plenty of company. According to The Pheonix, Randy Johnson, Roger Ebert, Dr. Phil, Alan Colmes, Chad Kroeger and Mike Mills are all less sexy than Osama Bin Laden.

Other amusing notes from the top one forty list:
Jerry Seinfeld is less sexy than Larry David
Ron Howard is ledd sexy than Clint Howard
John Lovitz is less sexy than Chevy Chase, who is less sexy than Chris Kattan, Who is less sexy than Al Franken.

At this point, I'd like to point out that over 30% of all the world's least sexy men have either hosted, acted, written for, or otherwise appeared or contributed to Saturday Night Live. And you know if John Belushi and Chris Farley had lived, they'd be on the list too.

For more than thirty years Lorne Micheals's tryanny of the unsexy has ruled late night television with an iron fist and an ugly stick. What's worse, spin-off movies basedon unnatractive SNL characters have brought the unpleasantness into the daylight.

I guess they weren't kidding when they said comedy isn't pretty. But does it really have to be monkey-butt ugly?

I hope you'll help me do something to end this plague of ugly. Please boycott SNL and their advertisers until they agree to employ only the aesthetically pleasing.

Remember, it's not nice to laugh at ugly people.

Friday, April 14, 2006

The County Slut Is Online! The Country Slut Is Online!

The Country Slut has created a Blog but she's blogging about the men in her life so I've deleted the link that was here to protect the unworthy.


Me: Hi, this is Amy. Who's this?

Him: I'm stroking my dick.

Me: I bet people just call you Dick for short, huh?

Friday, April 07, 2006

If this doesn't work out for me, I can always be a Foley Artist

Phone sex isn't always the easiest job. The easiest job I think would be oh, I dunno, ethics advisor for George W. Bush. It's not like you'd be called on to do anything.

I probably should'nt have gone there huh? You didn't come here for partisan politics did you? No, you didn't. I'm not a polite person and if you wish to spank me for my insolence, perhaps we can arrange something.

Anyway.. phone sex. It's not the job for a brainles slut who has nothing to recommend her beyond a sweet voice. Oh sure, there are a lot of us out there who are sluts, and most of us have sweet voices, but the brainless ones don't tend to do very well.

The most important skill a phone sex operator will use is not a naturally pleasant voice, but the ability to read people and decipher what callers want without the benefit of body language and few, if any, spoken clues. Beyond that, the ability to quickly spin engaging stories based on ideas never before heard or thought of is mandatory and last but not least, the ability to convincingly simulate noises associated with those stories.

What is they sound of one hand clapping? Well, it's similar to the sound of testicles coming in contact with flesh as the result of a forward pelvic thrust.

In other settings, my vibrator sounds amazingly like an electric toothbrush and my friend has one with a pulse setting that sounds just like her cell phone set to vibrate.

Those are the easy sounds to make. But there are times it's not so simple.

A lot of guys are into golden showers, and after a long shift of drinking coffee, they can be a real blessing, but there's obviously a limit to how many you can do during a twenty minute phone call and for the guys who want brown showers or rainbow showers (if you can't use your imagination to figure out what they are, you may be at the wrong blog,) it can be nearly impossible and distinctly unhealthy to do such things on command. (Did you know that satifying a belching fetish for a half-hour call can make a person vomit? Now you do.)

Thankfully, we ladies of the line need no longer resort to pouring water from cup to cup or letting ice plop into a beverage as we blow razzberries until our phones are covered in saliva. Thanks to the blessed internet, and a few people with too much time on their hands, we have recorded resources!

Kevin Kelm, a man with a distinctly scatalogical sense of humor has devised both a virtual vomit site that simulates the sites and sounds of a queasy stomach using the foods and settings of your choosing, and also the Robodump, a robot he left in his office men's room which convinced his coworkers that a man with severe intestinal distress had spent and entire work day in the first stall.

The few vocalizations in the recordings sound rather male, so female operators may want to listen to the recordings a few times and carefully time when you pause the files, but you gentlemen in the business have it made.

While you're there, take a look around his site. He also has the phrase "I have lard in my anus" translated into the languages of the world. You never know when that may come in handy.

Sunday, April 02, 2006

Life's most challenging question

Him: Oooh yeah. Suck it.

Me: Mmmm yeah baby, I'm gonna suck it real good.

Him: Oooh yeah.

Me: That's right, I want to take it deep to the back of my throat. I want to run my tongue up and down the length of it and bring my mouth down on it again and suck.

Him: Oooh yeah.

Me: I'm gonna slide my hand over the wet, slick monster and pump it into my mouth.

Him: Ooooh yeah.

Me: I want you to just hold my hair and move it in and out of my mouth. That turns me on. I'll be able to play with myself as you do it.

Him: Oooh Yeah.

Me: I get to have hand down between my legs as you just hump my face. I want to look up into your eyes while you do it to me. Tell me, what color are your eyes?

Him: Ooooh yeah.


Him: Yeah.

Me:Babe? What color are your eyes hon?

Him:.... uh


Him:.. um, Hazel

Me: I knew you could do it.