Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Who Would Jesus Do?

So, I stumbled upon this site called Blogshares, The fantasy blog stock market.

OK, I didn't stumble upon it so much as it came up when I was googling myself.

Either way, I found my blog on it and I got to see some of the sites who have linked to me. It was an amusing little exercise in ego stroking. It was sort of like hearing what people say about you after you leave the party.

There were a few people I sort of know through the blogs (Hi Gern! Hi Cuddleslut! Hi Peanutbutterfilthy!.... Peanutbutterfilthy looks like Sid Vicious doncha know) but most of the links were from strangers., and apparently, like Jerry Lewis, they love me in France.

By far and above, my absolute favorite was a site called Who Would Jesus Do. It's a sick and twisted compliment to be listed there, but I'll take it.

I must say though, that while I'm flattered they think I'd be sexually appealing to the messiah, only son of G-d, physical embodiment of the almighty, prophet, philosopher, or mythical hero... whatever you think Jesus is or was; I've seen Jesus' online personal ad and I really don't think he'd do me.

It seems Jesus likes sporty, young, German women. I'm mostly Irish and I so profoundly suck at sports it's pitiable. I'm also in my late thirties, which puts me right out of his preferred age range.

I can't say I'd fancy him much either. I really love those dark eyed exotic darlings or the geeky guys who look like they've been locked in a library for a few months. You know the ones, they're so pale they're nearly blue.

Hey, I wonder if Vishnu is looking for love online?

Sunday, March 19, 2006

My Own Oddest Jobs List

Because someone asked, and because I don't have much else to write at the moment, here's my own personal list of oddest jobs, adapted from's America's Most Unusual Jobs list.

Here's where I made the list.

A) Actor for haunted house: Once upon a time I was a make-up artist and, in that life I did special effects make-up for a haunted house. While I was there, I took a part as a victim in a freakish laboratory experiment.

J) Jelly donut filler: It was one of my duties when I worked in a donut shop as a teenager.

P) Phone Psychic: A lot of phone sex operators also work as phone psychics at one time or another. Many of the skills are the same, listening and being understanding. I did it briefly.

To my profound surprise, I quickly saw there was something to all that paranormal stuff. The more calls I took though, the more I understood that what there is to it would be the natural inclination of the converted to believe they find confirming details in vagaries. Once I realized it was too often a placebo for real problems, I had to move on. The few weeks it took me took between my realization and taking up another job was the only time in my life I've ever felt like a whore.

It shouldn't surprise you that many of the same companies that have phone sex lines also run psychic lines. After all, they already have the system in place. I once worked at a call center that had phone psychics on one floor, phone sluts on another, and yet another floor full of people taking catalog orders for mail order companies. The break room was always an interesting mix of people and conversation.

V) Voice over actress for movies: OK, I fudged on this one. I did commercials.

I got the job through my work as a make-up artist. While working with a fashion photographer, I answered his office phone and it was a guy trying to track down an actress who was late for a job. She wasn't there but I was.

I ended up working for the caller on and off for the next seven years. Along with commercials, he also contracted me to do a series of pseudo-sexual recordings. The scripts would be something that sounded explicit until you got to the last line like "Oooooh, it's so big. Please be gentle, I've never had anything so big in me before. Oh please, do it fast... oh, oh, oooooooh. Thank you for taking that splinter out doctor."

X) X-mas tree decorator: I once had a summer job working for a company that decorated malls and mansions for Christmas. (There's actually so much to be done, they have to begin in the summer getting things together.) It was there I enjoyed hearing America's most unusual quitting words when a man who had struggled all day with a garland finally stormed off in frustration saying "fuck it, I have to believe little elves do this."

My absolute most unusual job though, was not listed and it wasn't even phone sex. It was working for one of those old fashioned photography studios where they take sepia toned pictures of people in period costumes. I was the wardrobe person who helped people get in and out of thier costumes. When there was a long line waiting, I could strip a man of his chaps, gun belt, and tin star faster than you can say "cheesy old west gear."

I beat out the other applicant for the job because I was tall enough to reach the hats on the top shelf without needing a stool.

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Public Service Announcement

For those times when you're tempted to use your phone to call a sex line, place an order for an inflatable love doll, or even to just to ask your pharmacist about the best cure for head lice, please keep the following important reminder by the phone.

Warning: All Calls May Be Monitored because our president doesn't hink he needs a warrent.

Last year, nearly 30,000 Americans learned only when they tried to fly that they'd been mistakenly placed on terror watch lists. If you haven't flown recently, you too may be one of the lucky thousands who have yet to discover your status as a threat to the country's safety.

On the bright side, since you're going to miss your flight anyway, you may take the time to convince the cute chick with the wand at the security gate that you're an international man of mystery.

Woo hoo! Cavity search!!!!!

Friday, March 03, 2006

America's Oddest Jobs... Not a Rim Or A Blow To Be Found

A friend of mine forwarded an A to Z list of America's oddest jobs. I've done five of them.

I'm not sure if I feel enriched or unnerved.

Surprisingly, phone sex was not on the list. While I'm not one to say phone sex is, in and of itself odd, certainly talking to a man about how long he should heat the cantaloupe he's just scooped a penis sized hole into can't possibly be considered the norm.

I'd like to thank everyone who has been patient with me while I post so infrequently. Your attention is both flattering and appreciated.